By Patrick F. Cannon

After not-so-sober deliberation, I have decided to throw one of my hats in the ring and run for president of our beloved United States! I haven’t yet decided which hat to toss. As it happens, I own quite a few.

            Three are from Hanna Hats of Donegal, Ireland. One has a brim; the other two are the classic caps one sees most often on Irish heads. As a member of the United States Golf Association (USGA), if I pay my dues, I get that year’s US Open cap. Not sure how many of these I have; most are in the trunk of my car along with my golf clubs. I also have a Pirelli cap, a gift from my son. We share an interest in Formula I auto racing, and Pirelli is the tire supplier for the series. It’s a bit snazzier than most, with gold leaves on the bill!

            Aside from having so many handsome hats, you may wonder what other qualifications I might have to run the free world. Experience for one. I’m already older, at 86, than President Biden will be at the end of his second term (assuming he’s even elected!). And that Trump fellow is even younger! Also, I’ve served my country in the armed services, unlike my draft dodging opponents.

            I’m also more than happy to share my university transcripts with the voters. While Northwestern University couldn’t release them as a matter of law, I have a copy of  my own that I would happily share if my opponents would do the same. You’ll find that I did well in the courses that interested me, and not so well in those that didn’t. If the biologists refuse to vote for me, I’ll have to live with it.

            I’m also willing to take a cognitive test if my opponents do the same. In fact, let’s do it in public! We could get Ken Jennings from Jeopardy to do the questioning, with all  the networks preempting their regular programming to cover it. I’m sure Trump would relish the opportunity to prove he’s the genius he’s always claimed; and President Biden would welcome the chance to prove he’s up to serving four more years.

            As the president’s health is always a concern, I’ll be willing to share my complete medical history. Up front, I’ll admit to taking medications for cholesterol and high blood pressure, but I’ll authorize my doctors to release everything they have in detail, not the “he’s really healthy” we get from their docs.

            Although “body shaming” is a no-no these days, I feel I must mention that Trump is rather portly, as am I. He recently claimed to weigh in at 215 pounds. Although I hit the scales at 245, I do appear a bit lighter than he. My guess he’s closer to 270, but then he’s always had his own truth. Poor Biden looks like he could use a good meal.

            Not that it matters much, but I have all my real, original hair, and it’s not dyed. As you may recall, Biden had hair transplants; and I’m not sure how I would characterize Trump’s amazing “strawberry blonde” hairdo (and matching skin color).

            Finally, we’re all golfers. Not sure what Biden’s game is like, but Trump claims to have won the club championship at the club he owns. I have never won a club championship, since I don’t belong to a country club, but I once had the low net at a Lions club golf outing. Oh, and I don’t cheat.

            Can I count on your vote?

Copyright 2024, Patrick F. Cannon