By Patrick F. Cannon

Like most bullies, President of the United States Donald John Trump – thanks to some of your fellow citizens, and maybe even you, that’s what he is – loves to dish it out but doesn’t seem to be able to take it.

            Just as a reminder, here are some of his more familiar insults:

• Former President Biden is “Sleepy Joe” or “Crooked Joe.”
• Hillary Clinton is “Crooked Hillary.” (He’s obviously enamored of “Crooked.”)
• Nancy Pelosi was “Crazy Nancy” to him.
• Before he became Trump’s Secretary of State, Marco Rubio was “Little Marco” or sometimes “Liddle Marco.”
• Because she claimed some Native American blood, Elizabeth Warren became “Pocahontas.”
• That constant thorn in his side, Bernie Sanders, became “Crazy Bernie.”
• Fellow Republican Michael Bloomberg – who was on to Trump early – became “Mini Mike,” a reference to his short stature.
• Pete Buttigieg was called “Alfred E. Neuman” after the Mad Magazine cover boy. (Trump is not now known to read anything, including the Constitution, but perhaps he did read comic books as a child.)
• Illinois Governor Pritzker is a “slob,” a not so subtle reference to his weight.

Because turnabout is fair play, I thought I might return the favor and give Trump a few nicknames to call his very own.

• Teflon Don comes to mind. The conventional wisdom among his supporters is that all his legal problems – including a felony conviction and numerous indictments — were purely political. I agree. It’s inconceivable to me that the current Republican party would ever even investigate him. And, of course, his credulous supporters believe his every word. I have a theory. Trump knows he’s guilty, so he’s determined to remove from office anyone who knows and could prove it. So far so good on that front.
• Lyin’ Donald. During his last term, The Washington Post kept a tally of his lies; the total was about 40,000. To be fair, someone pointed out to me that they counted the same lie every time he uttered it. So, let’s reduce that number to 20,000, still a Guiness Book of World Records kind of number. Jeff Bezos now owns the Post and stopped it from endorsing Kamela Harris for president. Trump used to call Bezos “Jeff Bozo.” Now they’re pals.  
• Multiple-Mulligan Trump. The president is a fairly good golfer, so his well-documented cheating is just another example of his essential corruption. I have dabbled in the game for most of my life. I used to play in a group that agreed that we were allowed one “mulligan” per round. For those of you who think golf is “a walk in the park ruined,” a mulligan is being able to take a bad shot over. They are forbidden by the rules of golf but widely practiced if agreed by all before the round begins. Trump just takes as many as he needs. If you’re playing a match (for dough often), it is also legal to concede a short put to your opponent.  You may not, however, concede a put to yourself, a common Trump practice. Keeping a proper score in golf is a matter of honor, a concept foreign to him. I won’t bore you with how golf handicaps are computed, but Trump is known to record only his best scores.
• Free Speech President. In his inaugural address, President Trump promised to “stop all government censorship and bring back free speech to America.” He also said that “never again will the immense power of the state be weaponized to persecute political opponents.” Well, in my view, this was a reasonable response to the efforts of his predecessors to shut him and others up, his suspension from Twitter being the best example. Almost all speech is protected, even so-called “hate” speech. You can lie to your heart’s content if you don’t do it under oath. But like most politicians, Trump doesn’t really believe in free speech for anyone but himself. And he is himself using “the immense power of the state” to punish people who dare to criticize or make fun of him.
• The Great Emancipator. He has made himself a hero to the approximately 1500 people convicted for taking part in the January 6, 2020, attack on the U.S. Capital building. The majority pled guilty for their role in damaging public property and injuring police officers. The rest were convicted by juries of American citizens, who must wonder why they bothered. But President Trump is of a forgiving nature.

Let me conclude by noting that the Republicans have controlled the House of Representatives since January of 2023, and both houses of Congress since this January. With full investigative and subpoena powers, and a compliant Justice Department, they have yet to indict any of those “crooked” or “crazy”  Democrats. But have faith – they may yet trump up some charges.

Copyright 2025, Patrick F. Cannon