The Three “Rs” — Renaissance, Reformation and Rugby

Chapter 7

The Three “Rs” – Renaissance, Reformation and Rugby

By Patrick F. Cannon

(Editors Note: You will notice the curious title of this chapter. The author makes the dubious claim that Rugby was invented in 1567. I have found no evidence to support this claim. Mr. Cannon has generally been scrupulous in his researches, but has failed in this instance, or so it seems to me. You have been warned,) 

The most curious fact about the Renaissance is that it originated in Italy but is described with a French word. It of course means “rebirth.” In Italian it’s “rebirtho,” so maybe that’s why the French is preferred.

At any rate, as we have learned, when the Dark Ages dawned, monks had spirited copies of the ancient Greek and Roman texts to Ireland. They had not only protected them, but also made many copies. When the coast was clear, they began travelling to Europe and wherever they went established great universities and bookshops.

By the 14th Century, they had managed to teach the previously loutish priests in Europe to read and write Latin. This strengthened the church, since they could now correspond from country to country with their temporal rulers being none the wiser. As often happens, one of the priests spilled the beans to King Louis the Learned of France, who demanded to learn the ancient tongue (or the distraught priest wouldn’t have one of his own). After that the genie was truly out of the bottle and soon the upper classes were chattering away in the language of the Caesars.

The Irish priests were soon doing a brisk business. Readers were truly astonished to discover that civilizations that were long dead had in fact been more advanced than their own. Instead of slogging through turds and urine in the streets, it appeared that the Romans had invented something called the sewer to carry the smelly stuff away underground into nearby rivers. If they could duplicate this marvel, they could start wearing nicer shoes!

Time passed, as it almost always does, and soon everyone who was anyone was wearing Italian shoes and having their portraits painted.

This preoccupation with shoes and self-image has persisted right up to the present, so we owe a great debt to the Renaissance men. In philosophical terms, this is called humanism. Prior to then, people worried more about what God might think of them; ever after, keeping up with the Borgia’s became an obsession.

The names of the great artists of Italy ring loudly through the ages – Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, Brunelleschi and Titian. But we remember only their first names, thus starting a tradition of calling artists by only one of their given names that persists to this day. Who indeed knows the full names of Picasso, Monet, Degas and Dali? Or, in another realm, the full names of Elvis, Brittany and Beyonce? If someone is known by their full name – Andy Warhol, Norman Rockwell, Lawrence Welk – you can be assured that their fame will be fleeting.

The one exception that proves the rule is, of course, Leonardo de Vinci. This was truly a Renaissance man! In addition to painting and sculpture, Leonardo dabbled in architecture, military engineering, poetry, philosophy and backward handwriting. His sketchbooks are full of wondrous things, including what appears to be an airplane. While much of this is amusing in its way, it did prevent Leonardo from doing what he did best – painting portraits of enigmatic young women like the famous Mona Lisa.

Unfortunately, his restless experimenting with new techniques ruined his other famous work, the Last Supper. Not content with the tried and true methods of fresco painting, he experimented with new paint formulations and the great painting began to deteriorate soon after it was finished. While attempts have been made from time to time to restore the work, it’s now very difficult to see who’s eating what.

The other great artist – immortalized by that great modern statue, Charlton Heston – was Michelangelo. He worked on the grand scale. His great David must be two stories high and David’s sex is not in doubt (although, curiously, women did not appear to have genitals until the 20th Century). His other great work is the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel at the Vatican in Rome. Done for Pope Julius II, the paintings best known image shows the finger of God waking up sleeping mankind. For hundreds of years, tourists have stared rapturously up at this stunning work, providing continuing work for street corner chiropractors.

Michelangelo was purported to be the first homosexual. While there is no direct evidence (his not getting married may only have shown good sense), it cannot be denied that the men in his works tend to be muscular and comely fellows, while the women tended to fat. On the other hand, Rubens’ women were certainly chubby and we know he was a happily married man with several children. Since he was also rather more surly than gay, Michelangelo’s sexual preference may never be known with certainty.

Lest we think that the Renaissance was limited to the arts, we should be reminded of the groundbreaking political scientist, Niccolo Machiavelli. In his famous book, The Prince, he laid out the path that politicians have been trodding to this day. While his ideas can be complex (and are written in Italian for some reason), they can be summarized as follows:

+All power corrupts, so you might just as well have as much as possible.

+Elections can be useful, but only if you can control the results.

+It’s OK to kill your opponents, but only if you can blame someone else.

+Damn with faint praise.

+Wage war on the weak; ingratiate yourself to the strong.

+Never give a sucker an even break.

The spread throughout Europe of these and other useful ideas was made possible through the coincident invention of the printing press by Johann Gutenberg. Prior to his invention of moveable type in the mid-15th Century, books were hand lettered by the ubiquitous Irish monks. Now, you could carve letters in blocks of wood and move them around to suit. Once you had set a page in type, you could print many copies without recourse to multiple monks. Because spectacles had not yet been perfected, the size of the letters, and thus the books, tended to be rather large. It took a good man to carry a Gutenberg Bible! The Irish copyists soon became redundant and most returned to Ireland, where they took to the drink.

Had the monks been aware of what was going on in Wittenberg, they might have stuck around. It seems that an Augustinian monk named Martin Luther had gotten fed up with the Roman Catholic Church’s most lucrative fundraising scheme (bingo hadn’t yet been invented) – the selling of Indulgences. Simply put, Indulgences were pardons for your sins. Say you had spent your life whoring, gambling and cheating your fellow man. You could pop around to your local priest, confess your sins, do penance and promise to sin no more. What could be simpler? But what if the penance consisted of wearing sackcloth and ashes and crawling up the Matterhorn on your hands and knees?

If you had the cash, there was a better alternative. Go to the same priest, list your sins and assign a monetary value to each one. Then pay up like a man and wipe the slate clean. Then go and sin some more, and so on. The priest took his cut and sent the rest to Rome. The Pope could then afford to hire Michelangelo to paint the ceiling, thus encouraging the arts. Everyone benefited, which is the essence of economics.

For reasons of his own, Luther didn’t think this system was right. Perhaps he wasn’t getting his share. Nevertheless, he sat down one day in 1517 and soon had a list of 95 Theses (reasons) why the Church had gone astray. Instead of mailing them to Rome, he nailed them to the door of the local church. Most of the Wittenbergers couldn’t read, so they want about their business wondering who the crazy monk was. But agents of the Pope were soon on to him.

News didn’t travel fast in those days, so it was 1521 before the church leaders gathered for the Diet of Worms (named for the city, not the participants). Poor Luther was condemned as a heretic and excommunicated. One of those who most roundly criticized Luther was King Henry VIII of England. For his support, Pope Leo named Henry “Defender of the Faith.” Later, he had cause to regret this.

Not for the first time (or presumably the last) the Church misjudged public opinion. It turned out that only the wealthy few could afford to buy indulgences. The rest were tired of crawling on their hands and knees up stone staircases and decided to support Luther. Being simple people, they called themselves Lutherans instead of Anti-Indulgencers. It’s just as well, since few people would want to belong to a church call the Anti-Indulgencers, Missouri Synod.

Soon, others got on the Luther bandwagon and began to protest against the abuses of the Roman church. Indeed, there were so many protestors that the general term Protestants was coined to describe them, although each retained their own special name. Thus, the followers of John Calvin became knows as Calvinists. Less successful was Johannes Bigams, who espoused plural marriage. To this day, Bigamist has a naughty connotation.

It must be said that support for the Reformation was not entirely religious in nature. As usual, princes and other nobles saw an opportunity for feathering their nests by seizing church property. When Henry in England got wind of this, his anti-reformation zeal began to cool.

What really brought him around, however, was the Pope’s refusal to grant him a divorce from his first wife, Catherine of Aragon, who had not given him an heir. Henry, it must be said, had never quite understood how some Italian in Rome could possibly be smarter and more powerful than he (and have more money) and decided that the Church in England needed a leader closer to home, and one who wasn’t adverse to divorce, namely himself.

He granted himself a divorce and married Anne Boleyn in 1533. Alas, she didn’t do any better than Catherine and was executed in 1536. He kept trying though and had six wives in all. Shakespeare immortalized Henry’s hapless quest for the perfect wife in his play, The Merrie Wives of Windsor. His many marriages and their expense may have hastened his seizure of Church property, which he accomplished with the Act of Supremacy in 1534. While some of the abbeys still stand in England, most have been converted into expensive country hotels.

With creativity flourishing in the arts, and people happily killing one another over religion, it might seem that little time was available for other amusements. Nevertheless, in precincts remote from the great centers of art and religion, young men were busy inventing amusements that have, in our day, assumed greater importance than either art or religion – sport.

Although the Olympic Games had fallen victim to Roman prudery, to be replaced by the clothed brutality of the Coliseum, young men in more primitive regions kept the sporting flame alive. After battle, for example, the winners often beheaded the vanquished, then would choose a likely head and toss it around for amusement. In Asia, with horses more available, they would toss the head around on horseback until one of the warriors reached an end line, by which time the head was somewhat the worse for wear. Another fresh head was usually available and so the game would continue. The man who tossed the head over the end line was called the “chucker,” a term still used in a modern variation called polo.

In Europe, only the nobles could afford to keep horses and indulge in the sport of jousting. The lower orders enjoyed watching the matches, but their sporting spirit was confined to placing a bet or two. Then one day in 1567 at a small school in the English village of Rugby, one of the lads came upon a pig’s bladder, left behind by the schools butcher. Being naturally curious, he picked it up and noticed that one could blow into one of the tube like appendages and capture the air within.

He tied the tube into a knot and happily threw the pigskin bladder into the air. His fellow students gathered round and soon were cheerfully throwing the pigskin back and forth. There were 22 of them, and being English they soon had things organized. The headmaster, a divine named Dr. Arnold, codified the rules and they have changed little since. One is permitted to run with the ball, kick it and throw it to ones teammates. Holding the ball has its dangers, since your opponents can tackle you. Although it’s unclear just why it’s done, every so often the referee takes the ball and has all the players grovel in the mud together for a bit, then throws the ball under them, whereupon the running, kicking and tackling begin anew.

Rugby was invented by the sons of the upper and middle classes, and was thought to be a gentleman’s game, despite the mud, but a variation was made available to the lower orders. Now called “football” (or soccer by ignorant Americans), it did not permit players to hold the ball and run with it. One could hit it with ones hand or kick it. No tackling was permitted, since it was thought the poor were too weak and undernourished to stand the punishment.

Modern games such as American football, ice hockey, field hockey, La Crosse, and kick-the-can are familiar derivatives. Meanwhile, down the road at Eton College, the more intellectual students there had taken to whacking rocks about with small tree branches called “crickets.” Eventually, one of the boys would throw a rock to his fellow Etonian and he would hit it back. Due to their intellectual prowess, the boys soon made up rules that remain puzzling to this day.

Not to be outdone, over in the former colonies in North America, young men invented a variation called baseball, and made sure that the rules would be as incomprehensible to Englishmen and Cricket was to them.

Sport’s relationship with history is well known. Cricket gives us a good example. When the English expanded their Empire, they brought the game with them. Initially, the natives were as puzzled by it as Americans still are. Eventually, they began to catch on. When the Australians, Indians and Pakistanis actually beat teams from the mother country, it was considered that they were finally intelligent enough to govern themselves. And while the English later had second thoughts about this, it was too late.

And who can forget the Duke of Wellington’s remark that the Battle of Waterloo was won “on the playing fields of Eton.” Perhaps Napoleon was not so much defeated as confused.

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Copyright 2016, Patrick F. Cannon

 

The Drama Begins

The Drama Begins 

By Patrick F. Cannon

A One Act Play

Scene: We are in the Oval Office at the White House at 5:00 pm on January 20, 2017. President Trump sits behind his desk. The room looks much the same as we might expect, except that the President’s chair is set on a riser and is trimmed in gold. Oh, and there is a row of slot machines placed rather discretely against one wall. The word “Trump” flashes in neon at the top of each.

Sarah Palin, the White House Chief of Staff, enters and bows to her boss, who beckons her to be seated. Through a secret door, a hairdresser enters and begins to reassemble the President’s famous orange hair, which became somewhat tousled during the inaugural parade, what with the wind and his white horse bucking occasionally.

Trump: Sarah! We’ve got them by the shorts now! I can’t wait to get started. Did they start on the wall yet?

Palin: Well, see, I tried to do it first thing, but Inauguration Day is some kind of Federal holiday, so I couldn’t find anyone.

Trump: Damn! Well, let’s get on it first thing tomorrow. And let’s make sure we send that Mexican president guy – Jose or whatever his name is – a bill once a week until it’s done.

Palin: I think his name is Pablo, but I’ll double check. Anyways, tomorrow’s Saturday and no one will be in their offices until Tuesday, since Monday is another Federal holiday.

Trump: Another one?

Palin: Jeez, I asked the same thing. It’s Civil Service Day – it’s the anniversary of the passage of the Civil Service Act, which prevents the President from ever firing anyone.

Trump: You mean I can’t fire anyone? Me? I’m the biggest “you’re fired” guy in the universe, maybe even the whole world, and I can’t fire anyone?

Palin: Oopsy, sorry for the confusion, Mr. President, you just can’t fire career bureaucrats any time you want. You have to go through the 1,340 steps as required by the regulations passed by Congress at the suggestion of the AFL/CIO. Folks you appoint, you can fire anytime you want. By the way, to get the wall started, you have to issue an Executive Order.

Trump: Do you take dictation, Sarah?

Palin: Sorry, they didn’t offer that at the Alaska School of Mines and Petroleum Jelly at Sketchifyoucan. I did pass a course in rudimentary English. Anywho, they won’t carry out an Executive Order unless it’s drafted under Regulation 640-88 as published on March 2, 1938 in the Federal Register. The guy who wrote it, I think his name is Cannon, is coming in first thing Tuesday morning to give you a hand. But there’s no hurry, since the factory in Mexico that’s going to provide the concrete for the wall takes January off so the employees can go skiing.

(President Trump, whose complexion heretofore has rather matched the color of his hair, has suddenly turned a deeper shade of red as he begins to rise out of his throne. Just then, the intercom comes on and his secretary, who speaks like an Eastern European Marilyn Monroe, breathlessly announces the arrival of the Secretary of Defense. The president takes a deep breath and sits down.)

Trump: OK, send him in.

(The door opens and Donald Rumsfeld enters. He looks around a bit before speaking)

Rumsfeld: Well, it’s been a few years, but it looks like the here is still the here I remember.

(The hairdresser has finished his work and is withdrawing.)

By golly, your hair does remind me of Reagan’s. Maybe not the exact shade of orange, but close enough so the country will feel safe again.

Trump: You’re right, Don. His hair was the greatest for this time, but mine is the greatest of all time. You don’t mind if I call you Don, do you? We wouldn’t want any confusion about who’s the greatest Donald of all time, even including Mr. Duck.

Rumsfeld: Don’t worry, Mr. President, I’m just happy to have another crack at those bastards at the Department of Defense. Who says we can’t go to war with Mexico if we want to?

Palin: I checked into that and those pinkos in Congress said they wouldn’t give you the money, and that you couldn’t do it without some kind of Congressional Resolution anyway, like the one they gave Bush on Iraq. I told them they’d be sorry, but they just laughed at me, even the Republicans. I tried my best, but couldn’t get them to budge.

Trump: I need someone to get those losers to get with the program. Palin, you’re fired! Don, how would you like to be the first man to be both Chief of Staff and Secretary of Defense?  Let’s talk about it while I show you my new man cave. It’s where the White House press corps used to hang out and make up lies about me.

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Copyright, 2016, Patrick F. Cannon

 

That Can’t Be True

That Can’t Be True 

By Patrick F. Cannon

Miami Herald columnist Leonard Pitts recently wrote about how people continue to believe what they want to believe regardless of the facts. I’ve written before about the mistaken belief that crime is on the increase, despite statistics that show a steady decline. He quoted a recent survey that showed that 61 percent of Americans still believe that crime is increasing.

Pitts himself said that he found it hard to believe a recent survey that found a majority of Native Americans weren’t bothered by the name of the Washington Redskins. He admitted he thought the survey must be flawed in some way, despite its being commissioned by the decidedly liberal Washington Post.

The scientific method also continues to be under attack by stubborn groups who simply don’t seem to understand it. As a result, for example, children are contracting infectious diseases that should have been prevented by vaccinations; vaccinations that misguided parents believe are the cause of autism and other maladies. Now, it’s true that some very small number of children will have an adverse reaction to vaccinations (or  any other medication, for that matter), but rigorous scientific studies have shown convincingly that the benefits so far outweigh the risks that further discussion is pointless. But try telling that to the true believers.

Another hot topic among science deniers is Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs). Despite the fact that numerous peer-reviewed studies have shown no adverse effects from growing or eating them, there is a steady drumbeat to either ban them outright, or force producers to label products that contain them. The European Union, that bastion of bureaucratic perfection, has actually banned them. In my view, this has more to do with a persistent anti-Americanism that any real fear that they would hasten the end of the world. Perhaps our European friends are sick and tired of the undoubted fact that almost every scientific and technical advance seems to sprout first in the United States. Both in Europe and here, the anti-GMO forces are reduced to simple fear mongering. Not “the sky is falling,” but “the sky might fall.”

GMOs are just one of a series of agricultural advances that are helping to feed a growing world population. And while we might pat ourselves on the back for eating organically-grown food, we need to keep in mind that the majority of the world’s population can’t afford that luxury. It may be that organic farming methods will develop in the future to the extent that they will be able to feed the world at a price it can afford. I look forward to that day. In the meantime, I console myself with the fact that numerous studies have demonstrated that organically-raised food has no significant nutritional benefit over the stuff most people eat.

Finally, the most persistent bogus science must be astrology. Shakespeare had it right 400 years ago, when he admonished one of his characters: “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.” I don’t hold out much hope for its disappearance. I read recently that another bogus science, alchemy, had a famous adherent — none other than Sir Isaac Newton. Alas, he never got hit in the head with a golden apple.

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Copyright 2106, Patrick F. Cannon

 

 

 

 

My Favorite Things, Part 1

Favorite Things, Part 1 

By Patrick F. Cannon

The Rogers and Hammerstein musical, The Sound of Music, is despised by sophisticates like me as being excessively sentimental and cheerful. A case in point would be the song “My Favorite Things,” which extols the virtues of “Raindrops on roses, And whiskers on kittens, Bright copper kettles, And warm woolen mittens.” Yikes!

Nevertheless, the musical may be the most popular of all time, and contains some of Richard Roger’s most beautiful melodies. The heirs of the composer and lyricist are happily counting their royalties and could care less about the “tut tuts” of people like me.

While “whiskers on kittens” isn’t one of my favorite things (I don’t hate cats, but I could happily live without them), the song got me to thinking.  So, from time to time, in this space, I’ll let you know about some of the things that I prize most highly.

One is Bach’s Goldberg Variations. Originally written for the harpsichord as a series of exercises for the 13-year-old Johann Gottlieb Goldberg, who must have been quite the prodigy, it consists of an aria and 30 variations. It runs to about 80 minutes, give or take. While there are many recordings on the original instrument, it is now most often played on the piano. The most famous recordings are the two versions done by the wonderfully eccentric Canadian virtuoso, Glenn Gould. He was given to humming along with his playing, which must have driven recording engineers crazy; and was so adverse to cold that he wore a hat, coat and mittens even when visiting Florida. He was only 50 when he died in 1962.

I own both of his recordings and listen to them often, usually during long car rides. How many times? I’ve lost count, but it must be over 100. While that may make me seem as eccentric as Gould himself, I have a simple defense: the Goldberg Variations is one of the greatest musical accomplishments of all time. If you haven’t heard it, you can find various versions, including Gould’s, on the internet. What can it hurt to give it a listen?

One of my pet peeves (one of many) is that the majority of people simply never listen to so-called Classical music. And not only that – the audience for it is dwindling. Now, you might hear about sold-out houses when Ricardo Muti, the music director of the Chicago Symphony, is conducting, but “sold out” doesn’t mean what it used to. The total audience for Classical music has stayed roughly the same while the population continues to increase. Thus, in real terms, the audience is declining. A sold out audience at Symphony Center totals 2,500, while a sell out at a rock concert at Chicago’s United Center totals 23,500. I believe the Rolling Stones sold it out three times recently.

With due respect to the Stones, their lifetime musical output doesn’t equal the Goldberg Variations. It doesn’t bother me that people like the Rolling Stones – I like a good deal of popular music myself – what amazes me is that they dismiss Classical music without actually ever listening to it  Do they think it’s too hard? It’s music, for God’s sake. All you have to do is listen. For most of it, you don’t even have to worry about the words. It doesn’t require thought. It is the purest of all the arts because it reaches us most directly.

That’s why the Goldberg Variations is one of my favorite things.

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Copyright 2016, Patrick F. Cannon

 

 

The Vagaries of Existence

The Vagaries of Existence 

By Patrick F. Cannon

In the event you think I lead a charmed life, what with my lovely wife Jeanette and two doting children – not to mention my new Forest Park, IL condo, which overlooks one of the nicer alleys in our new community – let me disabuse you of that notion.

Life, as they say, is fraught. On the 8th day of July, while motoring to St. Louis with my brother Pete and his wife Mary Beth to my great nephew Patrick’s wedding, with my wife Jeanette at the wheel of the BMW, a semi decided that it wanted to be exactly where we were at the time. Throughout the history of motoring, this has never worked to the advantage of the smaller vehicle. Such was the case here, as the driver’s side of the BMW was more or less destroyed. Through some miracle of physics or geometry or perhaps magic, no one was injured. Jeanette kept her cool and managed to get the car on the right shoulder; the truck came to rest on the left shoulder, just opposite.

It was about 3:30 pm and we were just approaching the bridge over the Mississippi that would land us in St. Louis. From there, it would be a mere twenty minutes or so until we arrived at the conference center at Washington University, where we were staying and where the rehearsal dinner was scheduled to begin at 5:00 pm. Now, if the world worked with the efficiency that I mistakenly think is actually possible, we might have still made the dinner dressed appropriately. But, as you may have guessed, it rarely does and this was no exception.

The truck driver turned out to be a nice guy, and apologized for hitting us. He said he thought one of his tires had blown and pulled over without looking. Eventually, an Illinois State Trooper showed up. He questioned everyone concerned and then spent what seemed like hours writing up his report in his air- conditioned car while we amused ourselves on the shoulder in 90 degree heat. An Illinois emergency tow truck also appeared, but not to tow us, but to be on stand by to prevent further calamities. Eventually, the trooper called a state-approved towing company, who had to tow it to their facility in Illinois, as they were not permitted to cross the border.

Breaking some kind of law, I’m sure, the trooper and the state emergency vehicle drove the four of us over the river and dropped us off at Busch Stadium, home of the hated Cardinals, where our son-in-law would eventually pick us up. By the way, across the street from the stadium is quite a nice pre- and post-game facility where they sell cold Budweiser, if you can believe it. We indulged. My son-in-law, Boyd, then drove us to the towing company’s lot so we could retrieve our clothes and other stuff.

After arriving at the conference center, while the rest of the crew was at the rehearsal dinner in their sweaty togs, I was on the phone with State Farm for a good hour. Thankfully, a large Manhattan and dinner were sent along to me. The next morning, I rented a car. The actual wedding and reception were great and the rental car got us back on Sunday. Alas, I had to keep it longer than I wanted, because our other car was in the shop n Oak Park!

The local repair shop, which had done OK for us in the past, finally decided that the starting problem (it didn’t) was a keying fault. After a couple of days, it was determined that his computer couldn’t handle the job, so referred us to the local Ford dealer, who did the rekeying at a cost of nearly $600. The very next day I went to the Village of Forest Park’s municipal building to get some forms (did I mention that we were in the process of moving? Which we did this past Monday).

When I tried to start the car in their lot, it of course didn’t start. It was towed back to Ford, who concluded that the real problem was some kind of transmission module, which they replaced at no cost, since it was still under warranty.

In the meantime, the BMW was making its way to St. Louis and then back to Illinois. As mentioned, it was initially towed to a facility in Illinois. State Farm called the towing company to arrange to have it towed to their facility in St. Louis. Regrettably, they didn’t call until the next day, a Saturday, and the towing company said they were closed for the weekend! In the event, they didn’t get the car until the next Tuesday, whereupon they had it towed to a body shop in Freeberg, IL for repair. As I write this on August 4, it’s still there.

My good friend Jerry at Freeberg Auto Body, in explaining the endless delays, said: “If it was a Chevrolet, I would have had the parts the next day, but it’s a different story with a BMW.” After having talked to Jerry many times since July 13, he now seems like a member of the family. On Tuesday, he said all was well and the car would be ready today. So, I made a reservation on Amtrak for the morning train to St. Louis tomorrow to pick up the car.

As I’m so fond of saying, “It’s an ill wind that blows no good.”  I have always enjoyed train travel, and as a young man even worked for the New York Central Railroad. My last long trip was overnight to Saratoga Springs, NY to spend a few days at the races and enjoy this lovely part of New York State. The trip was a thoughtful birthday gift from my wife Jeanette We hit a truck in Cleveland.

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Copyright 2016, Patrick F. Cannon

 

 

It’s Too Vulgar for Words!

It’s Too Vulgar for Words! 

By Patrick F. Cannon

Our good friends at the Oxford English Dictionary tell us that “vulgar” is defined as a thing or person “lacking sophistication or good taste; unrefined.” I have my own definition. What is vulgar is simply something that is more than it needs to be.

For example, when some singer decides to render our national anthem as if it were a jazz, blues, country, hip hop, disco or mariachi song, it’s vulgar, unnecessary and usually painful or even comic. Our national anthem can be difficult for singers like my brother Pete and me, but most trained singers can easily render it as written. Why don’t they? And why are people like Roseanne Barr asked to sing it? Her rendition at a San Diego Padres game still haunts my every dream.

Although it draws tourists by the millions, the palace at Versailles is also vulgar. Vulgar because it was meant to show the average Frenchman that the king was so far above him that he could afford to have rooms that nobody actually lived in. If you’ve been to Versailles or any number of similar palaces, you’ve not doubt walked through numerous rooms of no apparent purpose (they did have purposes, however silly). While we might admire individual pieces of furniture or decorative art, the final effect is vulgar in the extreme.

In a similar mode, Michelangelo’s ceiling in the Sistine Chapel isn’t vulgar because its subject is fully in keeping with its location. Ditto for any number of frescoes in churches and religious buildings. But what of the frescoes I’ve seen that glorify the builders of the many private palaces that dot the English countryside? It’s been awhile, but I seem to recall that Blenheim Palace has a ceiling fresco showing the 1st Duke of Marlborough (Winston Churchill’s ancestor) trouncing the hated French at the Battle of (you guessed it) Blenheim. Showy self regard and vulgarity? You bet.

While folks aren’t actually building anything quite like Versailles any more, they are indulging their egos by building houses so large and showy that you might think they had a dozen little kiddies to house. If they actually have two, it would be exceptional. Yet their mini hotels often have seven or eight bedrooms and 10 bathrooms. A wine cellar is mandatory, even though most of them couldn’t tell the difference between Chateau Margaux and Carlo Rossi. Of course, they also hire decorators to fill their palaces with over priced stuff, including paintings chosen not for their artistic, but rather their decorative value.

It’s probably hopeless to point out that the now common use of the eff and emeff words are vulgar in the extreme. I was guilty of dotting my sentences with them when I was in the Army, but rarely do so today. Once, educated people would never have used profanity in public. Now, education is no barrier to vulgarity. I once cringed when I heard educated young women use the eff word; now, they toss it around like it’s a badge of their liberation. I don’t have any personal experience in this, but no doubt their professors sprinkled their lectures with similar profanity.

I won’t even try to comment on today’s so-called comedians. Suffice it to say that vulgarity is the enemy of wit. And it seems to be winning.

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Copyright 2016, Patrick F. Cannon

 

 

No Answers from Me

No Answers from Me 

By Patrick F. Cannon

Donald Trump, he who in not going to go away unless we send him, has said he will be the “law and order” president. If so, he is going to have to explain away these “facts” (a word that is seemingly alien to him):

In 1995, the violent crime rate in the United States was 684.5 per 100,000 people; in 2005, it was 469.0; and in 2014 (the latest full year figure available), 365.5.

For murder, the 1995 rate was 8.2 per 100,000; in 2005, 5.6; and in 2014, 4.5. Crime wave indeed. If you live in the Chicago area, as I do, you might be inclined to question these statistics, for there has been a significant increase in shootings and murder this year. According to Heather MacDonald in the Wall Street Journal: “Through July 9, 2,090 people have been shot (in Chicago) this year, including a 3-year-old boy shot on Father’s Day who will be paralyzed for life, and 11-year-old boy wounded on the Fourth of July, and a 4-year-old boy wounded last week. How many of the 2,090 victims in Chicago were shot by cops? Nine.”

There can be no excuse for some of the officer-involved shootings of black men that we have seen recently, just as there can be no excuse for the recent execution of police officers by black men. A more sobering fact is that 93 percent of black murder victims were killed by other blacks, and that, despite having only 13 percent of the population, blacks accounted for more than 50 percent of all murders nationally.

In Chicago, black on black killings are almost all gang related, and are one of the reasons that blacks are moving out of the city in increasing numbers. It is also one of the reasons why black men are often unfairly targeted for traffic stops and other incidents. In a recent piece that appeared in the Chicago Tribune, a young black man told of being stopped a block from his own home in Naperville (a perfect example of an upper middle class community).  Despite showing the policeman a driver’s license with his Naperville address, he wasn’t believed. In fact, he was spread-eagled and searched. Eventually, the cop had to bow to the inevitable and apologies were later issued.

I don’t know the solutions to these problems, but I do know that there are people of good will who are trying. They probably know by now that there are no simple answers to problems that have developed over many generations. Blaming the schools and the police is both simplistic and wrong. And simply saying that more jobs is the answer is another illusion. In the current economy, there are hundreds of thousands of jobs going begging because companies cannot find qualified applicants.

One thing I do know – if you graduate from high school and present yourself properly, you will find some kind of job. If you go on to learn a trade or marketable skill, you will find a better job. If you graduate from a university, you will find an even better job and probably a career.

I often drive though the West Side of Chicago on my way downtown. During school days, I see many young men of school age hanging out on street corners. They are almost certainly gang members and in some way connected to the drug trade. Until a way is found to get them off those corners, Donald Trump can be the law and order president until the cows come home, and he won’t move even one of those kids off their corner. Of course, I don’t have the solution either. I hope someone comes along who does.

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Copyright 2016, Patrick F. Cannon

Darkness Spreads Across Europe

Chapter Five

Darkness Spreads Across Europe

(With many cares to occupy my mind — one car wrecked in St. Louis and another in an endless visit to the repair shop — I didn’t have time for a new piece, so here is yet another chapter from my upcoming History of the World.)

After the fall of Rome, priests and monks throughout Europe feared the worst. The barbarians seemed more interested in pillage and rape than in the heritage of Greece and Rome. They appeared to worship rocks and trees, and didn’t seem particularly interested in leading sober, responsible lives. They weren’t faithful to their wives and they drank a lot too.

Even worse, they thought nothing of taking a scroll or book and tossing it onto a fire to keep it going. So, very quietly, the clergy begin tucking manuscripts under their robes and fled to an island so remote and inhospitable that there they felt safe even from barbarians.  The island is now called Ireland.

For the next 500 years, until they felt the coast was clear, they preserved the wisdom of the ancients in remote monasteries and thus saved civilization.

This period is called the Dark Ages, not because there was less actual light, but because the people of Europe lived in ignorance and despair. Of course, we have few details of their lives because the historians were holed up in Ireland. In such cases myth takes the place of fact. This is not to say that some elements of these stories were not true, just as some parts of an Oliver Stone movie may be true.

We’re fairly certain, for example, that someone very like King Arthur did exist, but we can never know whether he looked more like Richard Burton or Richard Harris. We do know that the wheel had not been lost, since it is known that Arthur dined at a round table. In addition to hacking away at great joints of Ox, he amused himself by sending his knights on long quests for something called the Holy Grail, which was presumably the cup that Christ used at the Last Supper (it may also have been used at the Last Breakfast too, but that’s pure conjecture). This got them out of his hair for long periods of time, in particular Lancelot, who was known to cast his fevered eye on Queen Guinevere.

Lancelot was ever confused, since he spent a good deal of time searching for Excalibur, a sword that for some reason had been stuck in a stone. He finally found it, wrenched it free and used it to kill the Holy Quail. By the time he got back to Camelot, both Arthur and Guinevere were in Valhalla. They had died in each other’s arms, a tender scene later immortalized by Mallory in Le Morte de Arthur.

The myths of Camelot have engaged legions of artists down to the present day. Novels, plays, paintings, epic poetry, movies and comic books have all used the story as grist for the artist’s muse. There have also been operas, although many of these have mythcarried.

When Lancelot returned, in addition to finding his lady love dead, he found he was now a vassal of the new King, Ethelred. He was the son on Arthur’s sister, Princess Ethel and the Viking interloper, Eric the Red. Thus began the first famous line of English kings. Notable among them was Ethelred the Ready, who was known to keep his fly open at all times. His son was Ethelred the Unready, who was given to sleeping late and who sometimes forgot his head, which made a curious sight. He was ready enough, however, to produce Ethelred the Really Red, who had not only the dynasty’s signature red hair but a famously bulbous drinker’s nose. When his own son was born, he was so much the worse for drink that he bellowed “he canoot be my son.” It seems the little prince had black hair. The midwife thought Ethelred was naming him, so he became King Canute.

Ethelred promptly died of alcohol poisoning, so King Canute the little tyke became. Even by later standards of royal pomposity, Canute was notable. One day he went to the seashore near what is now Brighton to get a bit of Sun and build himself a sandcastle. As still happens, the tide eventually began to come in. Fearing the worst, Canute ordered it to cease, having built himself a dandy little castle. It didn’t, whereupon Canute went into a sulk. While he was in it, the Saxons sacked his real castle and deposed him. Although an Angle, poor Canute didn’t have many. To keep the peace, the Saxons permitted intermarriage, thus creating the Anglo-Saxon race.

Meanwhile, in Ireland, the monks were busy copying all the books, scrolls and other bits of paper they had carried from Europe. As you can imagine, it was tedious work. To while away the long days, they took to embellishing some of the letters with fancy stuff and drawing little pictures. The results were so lively and bright that they became known as illuminated manuscripts. The most famous of these, the Book of Kells, is now in the library at Trinity College in Dublin. Friar Kells, one supposes, was one of the more artistic monks.

Calligraphy (see Caligula, Chapter IV) was thirsty and exacting work. Fortunately, the monks had invented beer, which helped them get through the day. Since they sat quaffing suds while they copied, they soon became known for their heft. Ever since, the drink they invented has been called Stout.

Unbeknownst to the monks or the various Ethelreds for that matter, in Arabia a wandering nomad named Mohammed had had a vision and was soon taking dictation from a God named Allah. The result was a new book of revelations called the Koran. In a latter day, a New Yorker named Joseph Smith had a similar experience and produced the Book of Mormon (but we’re getting ahead of ourselves).

The Koran took off where the Hebrew Old and Christian New Testaments left off. While Mohammed thought Isaiah and Jesus were good enough fellows, he claimed both were simply prophets like himself and there was only one God, the aforementioned Allah. To make his point clear, he decided to conquer the world. He took the same route as the Carthaginians, across North Africa. While he died before the campaign was over, his armies continued and soon conquered Spain.

The Franks got wind of what was happening and gathered an army on their side of the Pyrenees, confronting the Mohammedans (as they were now called in honor of the aforementioned Prophet) at Tours in 732. They prevailed and sent the hordes packing back over the mountains. Their leader, Charles Martel, was able to return to his vineyards, where he was perfecting a new spirit that has come to be known as Cognac. For his effort, he was awarded three gold stars by the Franks, which he used as the symbol of his new invention.

Charles’ son, Pepin the Short, united all of the Franks into a nation called Francia. Apparently, this name was considered a bit too effeminate and was ultimately changed to France, which it is called to this day. It should be noted that the original derivation of the word “Franks” came from the Celtic name for “frogs” and not a kind of sausage as one might suppose. Since the tribe that later became the Franks was known for their love of frog legs, their enemies took to calling them the “frog eating so and so’s” or “frogs” for short. Many, in particular the English, continue to use this ancient description.

It was Pepin’s son, Charles the Long Hair (in French, Charlemagne), who became the most famous of his dynasty. He was a real Christian gentleman and was happy to help Pope Hadrian I deal with his enemies in Italy. He soon conquered them and the Germans too. As a reward, Pope Leo III (Hadrian having departed this mortal coil) crowned him Holy Roman Emperor on the steps of St. Peter in 800. While he was grateful, he didn’t particularly like the weather in Rome, so he established his capital in Aachen, which, in addition to being easy to find in the German dictionary, has a moderate climate. He built a lavish palace there and sent word to Ireland that the Dark Ages were over.

His summons was perhaps premature. No sooner had he died than his grandchildren began squabbling over the empire. It soon was carved up into France and Germany, which has caused problems to this day. Also, the Vikings began to nibble away at the fringes, as did the Magyars, who came from the east in search of food, being of famously ravenous appetite.

Even though the Holy Roman Empire survived in name only, Charlemagne’s encouragement of learning had a lasting effect. Many of the Irish monks stayed on to found schools and breweries. As time went on, most European nobles could speak Latin as well as their own language, and could spout chapter and verse from the Bible. Only one country, England, held to its doggedly ignorant ways, but that was soon to change.

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Copyright 2016, Patrick F. Cannon

 

 

 

Tweets Through the Ages

Tweets Through the Ages 

By Patrick F. Cannon

Twitter tweets seem all the rage these days. Since they are limited to 140 characters, they are ideally suited to people who would struggle to come up with a thought that would require more than that number. Thus, tweets are ideal for politicians and entertainers.

In modern times, the first notable tweeter was undoubtedly that most famous of canaries, Tweety Bird. Who can forget her (or is it his?) plaintive cry when suddenly there appeared that most fearsome of cats, Sylvester?  “I tawt I taw a puddy tat. I did! I did see a puddy tat!”, Tweety tweeted, thus entering the Twitter Hall of Fame.

Two recent inductees are Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump. Kim, she of the Rubenesque derriere, is married to that thought leader, Kanye West. Mr. West is given to controversial statements in his role as a public intellectual, causing the faithful (so far, anyway) Kim to tweet in his defense: “Kanye is a genius, even if he acts like a jerk.”

Donald Trump’s faithful followers, when not dragging their knuckles as they patrol our borders, can hardly wait for his daily tweets. When Muhammad Ali died, the Presumptive Trump did not disappoint, tweeting: “Only losers die. Who’s the greatest now?”

Alas, many of the great figures of history came before Twitter freed the banal from bondage. One can just imagine what some of their tweets might have been:

Moses. “If you hadn’t been dancing around that golden calf, and given me a hand, I could have brought all 20 commandments down. Then you really would have been in trouble!”

Darius. “Don’t let a few Greeks get in your way. All they’re good for is slinging hash.”

Julius Caesar. “Heed thee not soothsayers. The Ides of March indeed!”

Jesus Christ. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they might see the Kingdom of God, but peace on earth is clearly out of the question.”

St. Francis. “When you come right down to it, it’s all for the birds!”

Napoleon. “Waterloo? Just a little hick town until I put it on the map!”

Karl Marx. “After years studying the diuretics of history in the reading room of the British Museum, I can safely predict the death of Capitalism by 1900.”

Teddy Roosevelt. “Bully, bully, bully, bully, bully…”

Vladimir Lenin. “I can promise you that the state will eventually wither away, leaving only perfect harmony and freedom.”

Herbert Hoover. “I assure you that the economy is fundamentally sound. Just you wait and see, 1930 will see a return to prosperity.”

Groucho Marx (no relation to Karl). If you want to know the meaning of life, don’t ask some effete chain smoking Frenchman. Just ask my brother Harpo.

Franklin Roosevelt. “I assure you that the economy is fundamentally sound. Just wait and see, 1934 will see a return to prosperity.”

Josef Stalin. “I am always happy to recommend a vacation in Siberia to my fellow Russians. The climate is so bracing.”

Richard Nixon. “I am not a crook! I can afford to hire people to steal for me.”

Hilary Clinton. “I cannot tell a lie. It was actually me who cut down the cherry tree.”

Patrick F. Cannon. “If music be the food of love, then at least we’ll die with a song in our hearts.”

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Copyright, 2016, Patrick F. Cannon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rat a Tat Tat

Rat a Tat Tat 

By Patrick F. Cannon

My son Patrick has a small collection of firearms, which he showed to me during a recent visit with him in Florida. He keeps them locked away, but enjoys going to the shooting range to see if he can hit the broad side of a barn. On at least three occasions, I’ve tried to join him, but fate has always intervened. Most recently, there would have been an hour wait for a firing position, an hour we didn’t have.

I was particularly interested in firing two in his collection, a Browning .45 caliber semi-automatic pistol, and an M1 Carbine. When I was in the Army, I had occasion to qualify with both, as well as the standard infantry weapon of the time, the M1 Garand; and the submachine gun affectionately known as the “grease gun.”  I qualified with the Garand (used during World War II and Korea) as a “Sharpshooter” during basic training. Only “Expert” was higher, so I did OK.

I ended up in the Signal Corps in La Rochelle, France. There I was issued a Carbine, with which I qualified at a former German Army indoor shooting range, which was near one of their submarine pens at La Pallice, the port just south of La Rochelle. The pen, by the way, was the site for the film Das Boot, and is still there, the roof pockmarked by Allied bombs that never penetrated.

In mid-1962, I was transferred to another signal company and sent to Ft. Irwin, California, in the middle of the Mojave Desert. It was combat support company, and I worked in a signals van. I was issued with both a Browning .45 and a grease gun. The idea here, I decided, was that if the Ruskies broke into the van, you would grab your grease gun and pull the trigger, with the hope that you would hit something, if only the ceiling. The pistol was reasonably accurate at 25 yards. At the same distance, you were lucky to hit the target at all with the grease gun.

In any event, when I qualified with it in the late summer of 1962, it was the last time I ever fired a gun. I don’t own one, and have no wish to own one. If I did, I’m sure I could pass a background check, as would my son, who is what we could call “a responsible gun owner.”

If you’re good at math, you may have noticed that I haven’t fired a gun in 54 years, which makes me just as qualified as anyone else to comment on gun control. By the way, I learned that roughly 40 percent of Americans own guns, and 20 percent own 65 percent of them. Like my son, many Americans own multiple guns. I don’t want to get bogged down in statistics, but most murders are committed with guns, with the actual firearm murder rate fairly consistent at about 3.6 per 100,000 population.  The majority are committed by criminals against other criminals. And while our murder rate is not the highest in the world, it is high compared to the countries in Western Europe, for example.

Recent mass murders have brought these issues to the fore – who should own guns, and what kind? The members of the legendary National Rifle Association (NRA) largely agree that background checks are appropriate, but their supposedly elected leaders, personified by their doctrinaire front man, Mr. Wayne LaPierre, fear that any kind of control will lead to a mass confiscation of guns from everyone except the police. The only thing more absurd than this contention is that some people believe it.

You may be surprised to learn that many people in countries like the United Kingdom actually own guns. To do so, they must apply for a license and pass a background check. They must also state a reason, which might include hunting, sport shooting or even, in rare cases, self protection. Just like a driver’s license, they have to renew from time to time. I imagine if you’ve committed a felony since getting your license, renewal might be a problem. By the way, in a recent year the gun murder rate in the UK was 0.06 per 100,000.

The following sensible proposals would no doubt bring the braying LaPierre out of his stall spouting righteous indignation:

  • All gun owners to have a background check before receiving a permit to own firearms. The permit to be checked against a data base by any seller, including at gun shows. All sellers and re-sellers would have to be licensed.
  • Those not eligible for a permit should include felons, and people diagnosed with a specific mental illness, such as schizophrenia.
  • No one on the “no fly” or terrorist watch lists could get a permit, although they must be told the specific reason they are on either list, and have the right of appeal. There are too many instances of US citizens being on one or the other of these lists in error, and having extreme difficulties in getting their names removed.
  • Background checks must be thorough, with at least a full week permitted to complete them. It’s difficult to think of any valid reason for needing a firearm sooner.
  • I suppose it makes sense to ban assault rifles, if only because they can accommodate large clips. If that can’t be done, perhaps it might be sensible to ban clips that hold more than 10 rounds. Since automatic weapons are still banned, target shooters and hunters can make no convincing arguments for larger clips. Does it really take more than 10 rounds to kill Bambi?

I’m afraid I have no hopes that any of this will pass at the Federal level. And any immediate effect is highly dubious, since it’s estimated that 340 million guns are already floating around the United States. Any impact of tighter regulations would take decades to be felt, and would have little immediate effect on the illegal trade.

In any event, while the Republicans might support some meaningless symbolic gesture to mollify the public, their fear of the NRA will prevent anything meaningful. After all, this is the party whose leaders are lining up to support Donald Trump, forcing one of the most respected conservative voices, columnist George Will, to leave it after more than 40 years. He won’t be the last. Nor should he be.

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Copyright 2016, Patrick F. Cannon