Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

By Patrick F. Cannon

Nikki Haley, former governor of South Carolina and US ambassador to the UN, has announced a run for the Republican nomination for president. Age 51, Haley has suggested that any candidate 75 or older for that office should be required to take a cognitive ability test to see if they are truly capable of leading the free world. An otherwise obscure congressman, Scott DesJarlais (R-TN) – he’s 59 – did her one better by suggesting a constitutional amendment to make it mandatory.

            For many reasons I won’t go into here, this idea isn’t going anywhere (not least because it might occur to members of Congress that they might be tested!). Another idea that won’t fly – although it makes perfect sense to me – is to require all candidates for Federal office and judgeships to take a lie-detector test.

            I took one once, and must have passed, since I got my security clearance. I don’t remember every detail, but it starts with some obvious yes and no questions to set some kind of base (and yes and no are the only answers you can ever give, except for follow-ups). For example, the examiner might ask if you ever stole anything. If you honestly answer yes, he might ask what. I won’t bore you with my youthful transgressions, except to say they were minor.

Of course, lie-detector tests can’t be used in court, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be used in the court of public opinion. So, as a public service, I have compiled a list of questions an examiner might use when grilling candidates. (I should mention that some sociopaths and other goofballs don’t recognize the difference between the truth and a lie – you know who I mean – so probably could pass the test easily).

• Have you ever read the Constitution of the United States?
• Do you ever want to read the Constitution of the United States?
• Do you really think all men are created equal?
• Do you think it’s OK to legislate morality?
• Do you secretly read the New York Times?
• Do you secretly read the National Enquirer?
• Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
• Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the ACLU?
• Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Oath Keepers?
• Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution?
• Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the United Daughters of the Confederacy?
• Do you secretly speak French?
• Would you like to be a lumberjack and wear women’s clothes?
• Have you ever stolen your neighbors newspaper?
• Have you ever lusted after your neighbor’s wife? Or husband?
• Do you ever change your position on an issue based on polling?
• Do you think Tom Brady is cute?
• Do you practice smiling in your mirror?
• Do you care about anything other than getting elected?
• Do you think the Chicago Bears are ever going to win the Super Bowl again?
• Do you think God is a Republican?
• Do you think the Devil is a Democrat?
• If you thought you could get away with it, would you lie, cheat, steal and even commit murder to become president of the United States?

I won’t have to take this test, or even a cognitive ability test, because I turned 85 this very day, and have better things to do with my time than run for any office, even dog catcher (although I do love dogs, and that’s no lie!).

Copyright 2023, Patrick F. Cannon