By Patrick F. Cannon

Even though I am an announced candidate for president of the United States, you may notice that I will not be on the stage for tonight’s debate. I have complained vigorously to  the Committee to Hold What Are Supposed to Be Debates, but Are Shouting Matches With Memorized Talking Points, or CTHWASTBDBASMWTP, as it’s more commonly known.

            Not even a courtesy of a reply, which I understand the unhinged vaccine denier RFK, Jr. did get. Must be his name. The only famous Cannon these days – save yours truly – is that judge down in Florida who’s paying Trump back in spades for nominating her to the bench. Of course there was Earl “Mad Dog” Cannon, the famous Chicago drug dealer who was buried in his Cadillac. We always were a classy bunch.

            Why have I been excluded? I think it’s because I’m older than both of those “official” candidates, and thus wiser. And I’ve actually worked for a living. Trumpy inherited his dough; and Biden has spent most of his life in the fantasy world of elected office. I’ve bussed tables; cooked bad food; stocked grocery shelves; worked on the railroad and in a steel mill; even set pins in a bowling alley (if Trump ever bowled, he would have found a way to cheat).  Now, it’s true that both candidates have published books, but I actually wrote mine.

            I suspect another reason I wasn’t invited was my threat to wear a brown suit and green tie, instead of the usual politician uniform of navy-blue suit and red tie. Or I might point out that those great patriots had never served in uniform by hauling out my Army duds, including my Sharpshooter badge and Good Conduct Medal. (Of course, the uniform might need a bit of subtle enlarging.)

            But, since I have been unfairly excluded from being on the stage with those young whippersnappers, as a public service I’m providing these generic questions for moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash of CNN. I won’t even ask them to credit me, although it would be nice to be at least mentioned as a candidate.

• When you first awaken in the morning, do you sometimes wonder where you are and what your name is?
• Since you both will have added about $7 trillion to the national debt in your respective administrations, how much more do you plan to add in your next term, if elected?
• Do you ever wonder what will happen when people stop lending us money?
• This is for you, former President Trump: how many felons – not including your self – do you plan to pardon and appoint to your cabinet?
• This is for you, President Biden: if you’re re-elected and can’t run again anyway, would there be any downside in pardoning your son?
• Since 65 percent of the country thinks we’re headed in the wrong direction – and you two will have run the country for the last eight years – do you ever wonder if it’s your fault?
• President Biden, since you’re so busy forgiving debts; and former President Trump, you’re famous for not paying yours; could you see your ways clear to paying off my mortgage?

Good luck to Tapper and Bash. They’ll need it.

Copyright 2024, Patrick F. Cannon