1. Where’s the Cat?

By Patrick F. Cannon

Dr. and Mrs. Fenton of Lake Forest, Illinois worked hard all their lives and looked forward to retirements filled with new hobbies and luxury travel. He had been a respected cardiologist, and she a beloved English teacher at the local high school. Their accomplished children were scattered around the country and had given them bright and loving grandchildren.

            The couple lived in a large and stately home with Mrs. Fenton’s mother and their beloved cat, Muffins. They had planned an extended trip to East Asia, and because of her age, didn’t want to leave mother alone with the cat. As it happened, Mrs. Fenton’s bachelor brother lived nearby and agreed to stay with them during the trip.

            Those were the days before cell phones and the internet, and it was only when they arrived in Japan that they were able to call home. They placed the call at 10:00 pm Tokyo time, which would be 8:00 am at their home in a suburb north of Chicago. When the brother answered, he asked how the trip was going. Mrs. Fenton said they were impressed with the bustle of Tokyo, and they planned to travel to Kyoto the next day, then on to Hong Kong. When she finished, she asked how Muffins was doing.

            “The cat’s dead,” replied her brother rather curtly.

            There was a stunned silence, then the sound of sobbing. Finally, Mrs. Fenton got herself together and said: “Why did you have to be so matter of fact and curt? Why didn’t you try a gentler approach?”

            “What do you mean?” he replied.

            “Well, you might have said ‘Muffin’s on the roof. I’ve put food on the ground, and I’m sure she’ll get hungry and come down soon.’ Then the next time we called, you could have said ‘She still hasn’t come down, so I’m going to call the Fire Department and have them go up and get her. That should work.’ Finally, on the next call, you could have told us the Fire Department found that she had died from hunger and dehydration. Then, at least we would have been somewhat  prepared for the sad news!”

             “Gee, sis. I get your point. I’m so sorry. Next time I’ll think before I give sad news.”

            “That’s good. Now, how’s mom?”

            “Mom? Oh, she’s on the roof.”

2. Why the Clock?

Back in the 1950s, Seamus O’ Callahan, one of New York’s finest (he was a cop) was reassigned from the far reaches of Queens to a downtown Manhattan precinct. As he was a bachelor, and it would have been a long commute to his new job, Seamus decided to find an apartment closer to work. He lucked out and found a nice one bedroom in the West Village, still affordable in those simpler days. It was on a quiet side street, but convenient to a grocery store, a deli, and a couple of nice little restaurants.

            There was also a store with a big clock hanging in front, which he assumed was a watch and clock repair shop. When he began having trouble with his own watch, he decided to stop by and have it looked at. He went in. No one was around, but there was a counter with one of those little bells, which he rang. Eventually, out came an old man, bearded, with a yarmulke on his head. “What can I do for you,” he said.

            “Well, this watch of mine is running slow and I’d like you to have a look at it.  Maybe it needs cleaning and adjusting.”

            “I can’t help you, young man. I’m not a watchmaker. I’m a mohel.”

            “What’s a mohel?”

            “ I do the bris. You know, the ritual circumcision, removing the foreskin from the penis, that’s performed on Jewish boys when they’re eight days old.”

            “Oh, I see,” said a confused Seamus, “but then why do you have the big clock outside?”

            “What do you want me to have?”

Copyright (sort of) 2024, Patrick F. Cannon