By Patrick F. Cannon

As many of you may remember, I ran as a write-in candidate for president. As soon as my friends and relations come across with the dough, I intend to challenge the election of Donald Trump in the courts, claiming that votes for me were improperly counted. In the meantime, it behooves me to prepare for my administration. First step? Cabinet appointments.

            If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll be aware that President-elect Trump has decided that the folks he appoints to his cabinet don’t have to be qualified, except for lunatic loyalty to him. So, I thought I would appoint people who not only looked the part but could act like they did. How about famous actors?

            My readers tend to be an educated lot, so you know that some cabinet members are high on the list of officials who can become president if the elected people above them start dropping dead. Although the Constitution doesn’t say you have to be a citizen to serve on the cabinet, you do have to be one to serve as president and be native-born to boot, so no Brits or Frenchie’s can be considered

Now, as it happens, many fine actors have played the president on stage and screen. Many, alas, have gone to the great theatre in the heavens. But not Michael Douglas, so he’s my choice for the senior cabinet officer, Secretary of State.

            Next in line is Secretary of the Treasury. A bit of gravitas is needed here, so why not Meryl Streep? In her lengthy career, she has proven she can play any part. I would certainly trust her with my money, and I want to have a woman high up in my cabinet. Easy choice, don’t you agree?

            For Secretary of Defense, I need someone who has impersonated a soldier on the silver screen. Unfortunately, George C. Scott, who played George Patton with such brio, died in 1999. But then I remembered that  our best all-arounder, Tom Hanks, played a noble Army officer in Saving Private Ryan. While his character died in the movie, he’s still very much alive. By the way, the Secretary of Defense was inserted above the former Secretaries of War and Navy. They were demoted and are now joined by the Secretary of the Air Force, who is responsible for both the Air Force and the new Space Force. Notice that the government tends to add but never subtract.

            Attorney General is a particularly sensitive office. Many a fine actor has argued cases on the silver screen or tube. Who can forget Charles Laughton in Witness for the Prosecution, or Spencer Tracy in Inherit the Wind? Or how about Raymond Burr as Perry Mason, or Andy Griffieth as Matlock? Regrettably, all are currently disputing evidence in the great heavenly courtroom. But Sam Waterston, the Bulldog-like prosecutor in Law and Order, is still with us and would strike fear in the hearts of the lawless (and he also played that famous lawyer, Abe Lincoln, on Broadway). Beware, miscreants!

            I have often wondered why we have a Secretary of the Interior, but not a Secretary of  the Exterior. But that’s a subject of another day. The Interior secretary looks after the national parks and such stuff, so let’s lift its profile by having an environmental do-gooder, and cutie-pie like Leonardo DiCaprio join Smokey the Bear in making sure our trees are properly hugged.

            My choice for Secretary of Agriculture is a no-brainer. Who else but Kevin Costner, who was the farmer in “Field of Dreams,” and more recently the rancher in “Yellowstone.” Can’t you just picture him staring lovingly at an ear of corn?

            Nobody really knows what the Secretary of Commerce does, so let’s raise its profile by going for glamour. How about Margot Robie?

            I thought long and hard about Secretary of Labor, then the choice came to me in a flash. I remembered that there is an actor who’s also a union leader! Fran Drescher of “Nanny” fame is president of the entertainer’s union, SAG/AFTRA, and led it in its recent strike. She would certainly add a distinctive voice to cabinet meetings!

            For Health and Human Services, we need an actor who’s played a sawbones or two. I don’t think you can improve upon Geoge Clooney, who set hearts aflutter on ER. I think folks will listen when he says, “get vaccinated!” Or at least the women will.

            Although Barbra Streisand is getting on in years, I think she could handle Housing and Urban Development. After all, she owns quite a few houses, and I doubt if anyone’s domiciles have appeared more often in “Architectural Digest.”

            Denzel Washington is a natural for Secretary of Transportation. You may recall he played a railroad engineer who stopped a runaway train in 2010’s Unstoppable; and was nominated for an Academy Award for playing an alcoholic airline pilot who nonetheless heroically lands a crippled plane in 2012’s Flight.

            Robert Downey, Jr is my choice for Secretary of Energy. He won the Academy Award for playing Lewis Strauss in Oppenheimer. Guess what? Strauss was head of the Atomic Energy Commission.

            This may seem like an odd ball choice, but I can’t think of anyone better than Quinta Brunson, star and creator of the wonderful sitcom, Abbott Elementary, for Secretary of Education. She’s the eternal optimist, an absolute requirement when you’re dealing with an education system that produced Marjorie Taylor Greene.

            You may not know this, but the fine actor Adam Driver is a veteran of the Marine Corps. Not only that, but he also formed the “Arts in the Armed Services” non-profit to provide arts programing to active-duty service men and women. Clint Eastwood is also a vet, but he’s busy making movies. So, it’s Driver for Secretary of Veterans Affairs!

            Finally, for Secretary of Homeland Security, which oversees immigration and other stuff, we need someone who has both ;played an immigrant (in the Godfather); but would also scare the bejesus out of anyone who tried to sneak across the border (Al Capone, in the Untouchables). Robert DeNero even scares me!

            So, there you have it. As an extra bonus, they’ll stay behind after cabinet meetings to sign autographs!

Copyright 2024, Patrick F. Cannon