Selling of the President

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By Patrick F. Cannon

A majority of my fellow Americans, in their wisdom, chose Donald J. Trump to be their president. I didn’t vote for him (or that other candidate either), but I feel I should do my part to make his tenure in office both successful and profitable.

            Past presidents have been reluctant to generate outside income while in office, waiting to cash in until their term or terms of office are over. They can then raise big bucks for the monuments to their egos called “Presidential Libraries.” Another reliable source of income is paid speaking engagements; and, of course, there’s that old standby, the memoir. They can also generate big bucks as “consultants” to major corporations. Trump, of course, is impatient. He is unique is using the office to generate income in the here and now.

            He has sold his image and likeness for royalty payments for products including (this is by no means a complete list): hats, t-shirts, calendars, Christmas ornaments, candy bars, bobble heads, talking pens, watches, gold shoes, whiskey glasses, cologne, socks, mugs of various kinds, commemorative coins, and action figures (you know, like G.I. Joe). And let’s not forget all those Trump Towers that blot the world’s landscape.

            Nevertheless, there are other opportunities for Trump to profit from his office, and I humbly offer these. First, wouldn’t it be nice to get a personal birthday message from the leader of the free world?  As we know, he has an aversion to actual work, but for enough dough he might be willing to stop watching Fox News long enough to record birthday greetings for $10,000 a shot to wealthy acolytes. Something like this should be welcome: “Hello Joe, this is your great president, Donald Trump, wishing you a very happy birthday. Together, we can Make America Great Again. On this joyful day, don’t forget to visit my web site to find great gifts for you and yours.”

            As we know, he has tasked his great friend, Elon Musk, to find ways to make the government more efficient. Wouldn’t it be great if Elon thanked him by coming out with a new Tesla, Trump Edition? I don’t know if hood ornaments are legal anymore, but I’m sure a Trump National Highway Traffic Safety Administration would make an exception for one that shows the president’s famous profile, with golden locks blowing in the wind!

            There must be some clothier – maybe Ralph Lauren – who could market the “Trump Look.” For everyday business wear, it could include the inevitable navy-blue suit, white shirt, and extra-long red tie. On the golf course (a Trump property always), he favors the pants from one of his blue suits, and a white polo shirt to emphasize his pot belly. Ralph could have his famous polo logo on one side and the Trump logo on the other (but larger, of course). Speaking of golf, many accessories are already available, including an easy-erase pencil for facility in changing your score.

            But the ultimate would be a photo of you and President Trump in the oval office. Now, heads of state and other poohbahs get this gratis, but there’s no reason he couldn’t offer this privilege to more average folk for, say, $25,000 a pop (for one 8×10, signed, and eight wallet size). Or, for the athletically inclined, for $50,000 you could actually play a round of golf with club champion Trump and get to take as many mulligans as he does.

            Finally, I’m sure you’ve noticed that Jeff Bezos of Amazon has joined the Trump bandwagon, even preventing his Washington Post from endorsing Kamela Harris. And no wonder. If you go to the Amazon site and search “Trump,” you’ll find a cornucopia of goodies that profit both Jeff and his new buddy Trump. Of course, the real reason the super-rich are lining up for Trump is simple: he’s promised to lower their taxes. For that, they’re more than happy to put on  his t-shirts and don that “MAGA” cap. After all, the county may be going broke, but you can’t have too many billions!

Copyright 2024, Patrick F. Cannon

6 thoughts on “Selling of the President”

  1. I think I still have, buried in some bin in the basement, one of the most treasured mementos from the reign (official) of His Eminence Barrack Hussein Obama-Soetoro. I speak, of course, of nothing other than the coveted collector’s item (as seen on TV), the Obama Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pet, Special Edition:

    This brainchild of inspired presidential merchandising came in two expressions, Happy and Determined. I think mine is Happy. There was even a TV ad promoting it.

    I have no figures on what Barrack’s cut was from this early foray into NIL. But it’s certain he loved the idea of seeing a bust of himself, and the nod to environmentalists, gardeners and green planet activists sold it as a worthy cause. He did much better — three estates better — with publishing houses who provided eye-watering advances for memoirs and autobiographies even before they were ghost-written, a handy way to launder money from private interests buying him off.

    Trump for his part, vulgarian that he is, is a far more accomplished, and upfront, retail enterpriser. He’s been peddling his brand for years, so why stop now? Technically, he’s still a private citizen. His salary as president isn’t that much, and he donates it to charity. Why not cash in on celebrity while he can? Isn’t that what celebrities do?

    Biden didn’t have much of a likeness to sell — a balding Chia Pet wouldn’t have much appeal — so he struck it rich the old fashioned way by selling influence to our country’s enemies through his (now conveniently pardoned) idiot son. Now that’s how you sell a presidency (or in his case, a vice-presidency).

    Our government is indeed going broke and piling up mountains of debt on us poor tax payers and countless businesses from Amazon to Nando’s Peri Peri Chicken that strive to make good. Trump isn’t spending taxpayer money or adding to the national debt. He’s creating taxpayer money. The IRS will tax his earnings, which will go towards reducing the burden of government largesse. The more he sells, the better!

    Why the sour grapes? No need to get one’s bloomers in a knot. Display that bobble head. Order the large fries. Put on that red MAGA hat. It’s what makes America great!

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      1. The venality comment got me thinking about how Trump’s use of language differs from that of typical candidates and earlier presidents.

        Decried as rambling, hyperbolic and incoherent, Trump’s rhetoric has proven itself to be highly effective in engaging voter support. The key to it seems to be using concrete images rather than carefully crafted, reasoned ideas and phrases to communicate.

        Thus in place of cliched explanations of growing up middle-class, child of immigrants blah, blah, blah, we see Trump as a fry cook and driving a garbage truck. Rather than melodramatic retellings of the assassination attempt, Trump gives you a bandaged bloody ear, the chart that caused him to turn his head at precisely the right moment, a fist in the air. Likewise, he describes his opponents with fanciful tags: Sleepy Joe, Crazy Nancy. All things people relate to as authentic.

        Politicians (like academics, lawyers, journalists and teachers) are almost entirely word people. They talk more than act. Trump hails from a different universe, the business world of numbers, things, actions, sales, profits. His orientation towards the material, which you seem to see as venality, is just his nature. His books, unlike Obama’s, are not literary flights of idealism but guides to practical things like wealth and success. His policies are not aspirations (world peace, racial harmony, equality, diversity, climate) but measurable objectives (reduce inflation, stop illegal immigration, cut government costs).

        People in the word-focused world of the media (mostly English and Communications majors, no doubt) don’t understand it. They don’t know what to do with it. They’re used to look for hidden meanings, symbols, dog whistles, psychological clues. If they don’t ignore his language outright, they interpret it as vulgar, materialistic or, more commonly, dishonest. All they seem to agree about is he’s a liar!

        ironically, Trump may be one of the most honest, upfront politicians we have. He does exactly what he says. No hidden agendas, no false pretenses, no attempts to mislead. The media is at a loss, but I think people are finding it reassuring, after all the cover-ups, fake news and constant spin of the past four years. Let’s enjoy the moment and see what comes out of this latest episode of American politics.

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