By Patrick F. Cannon

Although only rarely fatal, the country is experiencing a pandemic of historic proportions, one that — depending on which reports you believe – now affects more than half the population. I refer of course to Trump Derangement Syndrome, or TDS. Apparently, the number of victims increases every time President Trump opens his mouth.

            Recently, the president blamed TDS for causing the December 14 murder of actor/director Rob Reiner and his wife Michele. Their son Nick has been charged with their murder. Apparently, according to the president, his father’s TDS must have been at least part of the motive for the killings. Perhaps Nick thought it would slow the pandemic’s spread.

            The president is no stranger to pandemics. He was unlucky to be in office when Covid 19 emerged as the deadliest pandemic since the Spanish Flu killed 50 million worldwide in 1918-19.  Among his many suggestions to halt the spread was to inject disinfectants like Clorox into the bloodstream, positing that if it could kill germs on surfaces, why not in the blood? Another idea was to apply immensely powerful ultraviolet light both outside and inside the body. He also touted the use of anti-malarial drugs, even taking some  himself. Nevertheless, he was hospitalized with Covid in October 2020. To his credit, however, he supported the development of the vaccines that finally brought Covid under control.   

            To be of  help in overcoming TDS, I thought I might offer some practical advice to its legion of sufferers. For example, you could leave the country. Since all of us come from somewhere else, many would be eligible to claim citizenship in their country of origin. For example, since my father was born in Ireland, I could become a citizen of the old sod. Do you like Guiness Stout? You’ll find it’s cheaper there. On the other hand, you’ll have to pay higher taxes, and it does rain a lot. And, who knows, you might run into Rosie O’Donnell at the local pub. That could be a deal breaker for many.

            You could try a news blackout. No New York Times or your local newspaper, MSNBC, CNN, Fox, NBC, CBS, ABC, or blogs (except those with home decorating tips). Take a pass on invitations to cocktail or dinner parties. Shun family get-togethers  Stop playing bridge. These tactics will not totally insulate you from hearing the name “Trump,” but should lessen the pain somewhat. A more radical approach would be to “go off the grid.” Imagine a cabin in the woods, cutting your own firewood, foraging for a diet of nature’s bounty, becoming one with woodland creatures (except maybe for Grizzly Bears).  

            Or you could wait for the pandemic to run its course, which it will do on January 20, 2029. This will encourage aged people like me to exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet, so we’ll still be around on that joyful day. Or will  there be another “derangement syndrome” lurking in the shadows? Perhaps “MDS”, for Mandami Derangement Syndrome?

            Anyway, Happy Holidays and always keep in mind the immortal words of that legendary philosopher, Monty Python:

            Some things in life are bad

            Other things make you swear and curse

            When you’re chewing of life’s gristle

            Don’t grumble, give a whistle

            And this will help things turn out for the best,

And

            Always look on the bright side of life

            Always look on the light side of life.

Copyright 2025, Patrick F. Cannon (Except for the last bit, of course.)